Its Christmas Eve. Normally this is my favourite night of the year, and the time that Im at my happiest, but I seem to have had some kind of epiphany today, and I dont think Ive ever felt more on my own or sad. 

Driving home from Emmas this evening I saw a family sat round together on the sofas in their front room, all cuddled up and watching a film, and realised that that exact scene is what I want more than anything, and will absolutely never have. My family is completely and utterly screwed up and has been for a very long time, yet Ive always been in denial about it. 
My mum and I are a ticking time bomb, and I have almost completely outgrown our relationship. She doesnt seem to know how to behave around me anymore, and is consistently angry or frustrated with something Ive done wrong. My stepdad may as well be a stranger. My brother, I think, hates them both, and never spends any time with them, or me, and is very uncomfortable with talking to me in a normal conversation. My dad is a stranger. And Ive just burst into tears writing that because I want my dad back more than anything in the world.

All I want to do anymore is be with Seans family because I feel like Im part of a loving unit when Im with them.

I want to fast forward the next ten years until I have my own sofa and television and a baby sat on my knee with a blanket wrapped around me and them and my husband. I cant think of anything worse than Christmas tomorrow, with us all pretending to be enjoying ourselves.

I dont think Ive ever been this sad before 

For the past five days I have been incredibly ill and lost quite a lot of weight as I havent really had an appetite. Ive had awful flu and a very sore chest, which finally today, seems to be subsiding into a normal cold. It ruined the weekend that Sean and I planned for our anniversary, but never mind. 

Today I went to Oxford Street with Jenny and Beth with intent to spend very little money on myself, and to finish my Christmas shopping, however in reality the complete opposite of this happened. I bought paper bag tapered trousers, a lace sandy shore style dress (finally!), striped tights, a cath kidston mug for mum’s present, some new foundation, a cushion, some christmas pyjamas and some sequin shorts, spending a grand total of £134 in about 3 hours. Pretty impressive if I do say so myself. The lady in Mac who colour matched me was lovely, offering me sensitive advice to suggest to Beth and Jenny about their acne, and encouraging me to follow my dreams, and reach for the sky because you never know whats around the corner. She really touched me.

Beth asked if I want to live with her, Aimee and Pet next year. I immediately said yes as its been my biggest worry for the last couple of months that I will end up living on my own next year. I dont really know Aimee and Pet all that well in honesty, but Im sure it will be fine, and I think they may be quite relaxed in regards to animals, (fingers crossed!)

Im feeling rather sick this evening having stuffed my face with kettle chips, vitamin water and bakin’ boys cupcakes.

I woke up extra early in fear that the cleaner would burst in on me while i was in bed, but she didnt even come to clean my room today, she’s absolutely awful.

My lessons today were surprisingly fantastic. We had an actor and his academic friend come in to speak to us about performing Shakespeare (I was expecting it to be dire but it was infact a lot of fun). The guy was very funny, very scottish, and quite talented.

During the break before my seminar I posted something for RTI, which is absolutely awful and makes absolutely no sense. The seminar itself was also really fun as we did a quiz and played pictionary. We should have won but were pipped to the post. Hans had a black eye and lots of stitches.

Im at Sean’s now, we just watched a programme about pandas and now I really want one.

I woke up extremely late today, after staying up very late last night. I went to Earl’s Court to see Jenny perform at Miss Q’s, with Beth, Aimee, Tilly and Lizzie. I had a great time, and when I got home I watched The Apprentice so it really was quite late.

Waking up I realised I’d caught Sean’s cold, which I thought Id escaped, annoying! I wasnt even going to get dressed today but decided it would probably be worth my while to go and buy some Vitamin C tablets, in hope of getting better for the weekend. Budgens and the Co-op were useless, so after dawdling for a silly amount of time over whether I could be bothered to go all the way to Sainsbury’s, I finally got on the bus and went. I spent an inexplicable amount of money on water filter cartridges (the big downside of living in London), blueberries, rice, biscuits, vitamin c tablets, Simple eye makeup remover pads, Simple scrub, a toothbrush and some Veet.

My diet is at a very steady pace, its not awful but not as good as it was a couple of weeks ago. I was losing weight quite rapidly at that stage but it seems to have levelled off, which is annoying.

The vote to raise tuition fees to £9000 pounds was passed today. There are huge protests all across London.

This evening I really need to finish Sean’s anniversary card. He text me today to say the ginger kitten came back to the garden. Im unbelievably sad I missed it! I really want a pet of my own here in London.