Its Christmas Eve. Normally this is my favourite night of the year, and the time that Im at my happiest, but I seem to have had some kind of epiphany today, and I dont think Ive ever felt more on my own or sad. 

Driving home from Emmas this evening I saw a family sat round together on the sofas in their front room, all cuddled up and watching a film, and realised that that exact scene is what I want more than anything, and will absolutely never have. My family is completely and utterly screwed up and has been for a very long time, yet Ive always been in denial about it. 
My mum and I are a ticking time bomb, and I have almost completely outgrown our relationship. She doesnt seem to know how to behave around me anymore, and is consistently angry or frustrated with something Ive done wrong. My stepdad may as well be a stranger. My brother, I think, hates them both, and never spends any time with them, or me, and is very uncomfortable with talking to me in a normal conversation. My dad is a stranger. And Ive just burst into tears writing that because I want my dad back more than anything in the world.

All I want to do anymore is be with Seans family because I feel like Im part of a loving unit when Im with them.

I want to fast forward the next ten years until I have my own sofa and television and a baby sat on my knee with a blanket wrapped around me and them and my husband. I cant think of anything worse than Christmas tomorrow, with us all pretending to be enjoying ourselves.

I dont think Ive ever been this sad before